Inauthentic

If you think about it, it's pretty sad.

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Ever since I moved here, I haven't held a single birthday party. What's the point? No one's going to come anyway.

This is one of the reasons why I'm not going to do a debut party. Haha.

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Actually, if I was going to hold one, people ARE going to come, but if they are, it's going to be out of obligation. I'm not talking about my friendship group, but the other people. Like, people from my parent's CFC group, and people from YFC, an organization that I do not attend anymore (I plan to quit). One reason is that I do not share the same beliefs with them anymore (although I haven't really told anyone of this except for my mom and a few friends), but the main reason is that I feel isolated when I'm with them. Like, I don't mind if my 2 friends are there, but whenever I come to the events held by the organization, they're always absent, leaving me feeling isolated.

I once came to their Halloween party, but 2 only close friends in that group didn't end up going. I had to tag along an acquaintance who knew me. It was kind of awkward because we weren't that close. So for the first few moments we did prayers and stuff, and after that, we partied. Except that I didn't. I hung out near the food table by myself, gorging myself to make myself look busy. Seeing that I was alone, an adult who was overseeing the party tried to introduce me to one of the members. We kind of talked, but then I could kind of pick up that she was KIND OF feeling awkward talking with me. Perhaps she wanted to go back to her friends. After a very short talk, I just kept quiet and turned my back slowly as she was in between the state of leaving but not leaving and I resumed eating. Talk about me being antisocial. After feeling quite full, I went to the girls' bathroom and shut myself in the disabled cubicle there. I probably stayed there for like 10-20 minutes, waiting for other girls to leave the bathroom and waiting for another few minutes to make sure that no one came in. While I was in there, I told my dad to come pick me up. I left the cubicle, just randomly looked at people partying, tried to make myself look busy (by eating) and went goodbye to a few acquaintances as my dad arrived.

Sad, isn't it?

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I'm going to keep my blog private now. Not like anyone is going on here anymore anyway.

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END.